How do I feel coming home? I don’t even understand. To be honest I cried as I landed in the airport at home, of course I was excited to see everyone but I also faced the reality that I had really left the lands I fell in love with. The people that touched my heart are now scattered all over world. There is joy in all of this but also sorrow.
Like when you watch a movie, our minds don’t understand the difference of perception and reality and in my head I honestly felt like I had dreamt the whole experience. It was a transcending dream and I questioned why I couldn’t just fall back into it as I closed my eyes. Am I really here? This Is the strangest feeling.
Not letting myself really take time to rest and figure out my thoughts… I jumped into apartment and job hunting. Surrounding myself with the people I missed gave me reassurance that life here is good too as I am so thankful for being close to friends and family, but still I ached for something more. So I made the decision that I was going to pack up my car and move to Vancouver. After spending a couple days focusing my thoughts on this idea of a new experience and putting my family through an emotional roller coaster… I finally acknowledged that this wasn’t really the step I wanted to take. It was a quick fix for now.
While travelling you are always on the move; experiencing new places, people. Challenging yourself in new situations, continually finding peace and growth. I didn’t want this to stop. I was seeing returning home as taking a step back. Realistically I know this is not a step back but maybe a plateau. Or who knows what life holds, and if I stop seeing this as a negative thing then maybe I’m about to hit another climb to a peak in a place I thought I knew but which holds more than I can really expect.
I want to see the world and for this to happen being home is my best option right now. Accept where we are instead of desiring only where we were and want to be. Life leads us in ways we cannot understand at times.
Sure day to day life has more stress than ‘Where do I want to go next?’ ‘What do I feel like eating?’ So on, but maybe this is a good thing too. It’s easy to find plenty of time for meditation and reflection while travelling but maybe now is the test; to keep this inner stillness among all the chaos of the modern world. To grow friendships that I have here. To develop myself in a new way in a place I know.
Of course home is good… But it’s also not too bad either!